Sonya
by PhoenixNL
Summary: Set a couple years after the end of the Reaper War a young trainee has to face a painful truth about herself and her dreams about a certain brown eyed instructor.


**A/N: This is something that came to mind late last night so I apologize for any mistakes. For anyone who is reading my main fic this doesn't link directly but I am still working on that one, I just want to get it finished before I post the rest. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy it!**

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Standing with the rest of her class in the large training hall Lieutenant Sonya Harding shifted on her feet, subtly moving until she was directly within the sight of their instructor. Attempting to look focussed and nonchalant at the same time was something she'd been working on ever since she'd been chosen to join the Alliance's elite course for biotics. The top students who successfully completed the course had almost always been selected to join Biotics Division, the unit of elite biotic soldiers led by Admiral Alenko. When she'd joined she had seen the course as merely another note on her resume, something to help her advance through the ranks without the need for her to get involved in messy conflicts. The thought of working in Vancouver where all her friends and family could see her successes appealed to her greatly. And if she'd ever been assigned a task that required going to the Citadel on official business….. well Allison Pritchett would no longer be able to hold her own achievements up as being better than hers. So she had accepted the offer to join, since surely merely training under the famous Admiral would be a boost to her career, not that she had needed any training as far as her biotics were concerned. Or so she'd thought.

The first day they'd been thrown into a training session with the "Psychotic Biotic" as she was known and Sonya had been terrified. The woman had pushed each of them to their limits, ripping down barriers and countering anything they had tried before snorting in disdain and telling them that their combined powers wouldn't last minutes in a real fight. To a student their shoulders had slumped until Jack had given a sly grin, crossed her heavily tattooed arms over her chest and announced that they had potential. This seemed to perk almost everyone up but Sonya had been furious. To have her biotic abilities merely brushed to the side by someone who belonged in a lunatic asylum instead of teaching students had nearly made her turn and walk out. But then _he_ had arrived to greet the students and her stomach had filled with butterflies. He'd walked in with the calm demeanour of a man confident in himself and his abilities, the uniform fitting his broad frame in a way that drew her eye. Taking the time to greet all of the students she'd felt her heart melt as he'd turned that smile onto her. She couldn't remember what she'd said having been too busy staring into those whisky coloured eyes but whatever it had been it seemed to satisfy him and he'd moved onto the next student. It was in that moment she had decided she would try her damndest if it meant spending more time in the company of Admiral Alenko.

It had been a couple of months since that first day and she felt she'd been proving herself well. She still despised the physical training but had begun to relish the chance to unleash her biotics, especially on some of the people she found irritating in class. As they'd progressed the Admiral had begun taking a few of the training sessions and there was no question that his biotics were prodigious. He might not have had the same obvious raw power that Jack had but the quiet control that he seemed to have at all times hid the full extent of his abilities. She would have loved nothing more than to see the Admiral throw Jack onto her biotic ass but sadly she couldn't see that happening since the two seemed to be surprisingly friendly. There were rumours that Jack had only gotten the posting because of her friendship with Admiral Shepard but even Sonya had to grudgingly admit that Jack knew what she was doing. The thought of Shepard made her tense. In the few years since the war the Saviour of the Galaxy as everyone seemed to like to call her had been feted as a hero and held up as the paragon of the Alliance. Was Sonya the only one that remembered that before the attack on Earth Shepard had been thrown in the brig for destroying a relay and killing hundreds of thousands of Batarians? She held a grudging respect for the woman for having helped put an end to the Reapers but she knew that Admiral Alenko had probably been more instrumental in that victory than anyone gave him credit for. Next time she spoke to him she should probably tell him that she knew he was the real hero behind the battle for Earth, he'd probably like that. Frowning to herself she realized that he probably wouldn't want to admit it publically since he'd ended up marrying Shepard and that would probably cause him no end of trouble.

Chewing the inside of her lip as she pondered the matter she made sure to give an engaging smile as his gaze passed over her as he addressed the group. Today he wore standard issue BDUs which gave her the opportunity to admire his strong arms and trim physique. She could even ignore the wedding ring he wore since she knew that his marriage to Shepard had to be a sham, yet another gambit to attract more media attention to her legacy. The fact that they'd gotten married in a private ceremony without the media and only a few choice people from the Alliance had merely whetted the public's appetite for photos and details. Sonya managed to stop herself from rolling her eyes as she was forced to admit that Shepard and the Alliance were very good at manipulating the public image they presented but she didn't buy it. Nor was it fair on the Admiral. A good man like that deserved a woman that loved him unconditionally and gave him the credit that he deserved instead of constantly flying off to some other remote corner of the galaxy whenever it suited her. It wouldn't have surprised Sonya to hear that Shepard had a string of lovers dotted around the galaxy. Perhaps if she showed him what true affection was like he would realize what he was missing with Shepard. Sonya knew that there were regs about relationships between instructors and students, not to mention those of higher rank with their subordinates but she was confident that they would find a way to work around that. She was so preoccupied with her own thoughts that she hadn't realized that the discussion had moved on to managing themselves while out on a mission.

The Admiral looked sombre as he spoke. "When you start out on a mission you have a plan, you have orders to follow but it only takes a moment for things to go wrong and for the lives of your team to be put in immediate danger."

One student raised his hand. "But surely when you're on a mission like that you expect to be in immediate danger?"

"There's always an element of risk yes but with the right intel and team work you can normally mitigate a lot of those. However in order to be an effective team leader you need to be able to think quickly on your feet and adapt when presented with changing circumstances."

"I guess you had to do a lot of that working with Commander Shepard." One of men joked sending a titter through the group as the Admiral gave a rueful grin.

"_Admiral_ Shepard is the perfect example of a leader than can keep her head under pressure and get her team out safely. She was faced with situations that no one in the galaxy could have predicted and she managed to get the job done while protecting her crew and as many civilians as she could." The pride in his voice was clear.

The words popped out before she could stop them. "Well not all the time."

The Admiral's gaze immediately narrowed on her. "Excuse me Lieutenant?"

"She left Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams to die on Virmire." Sonya replied, secure in her conviction until she saw the looks of disbelief from the other students. She swallowed hard as she saw the fierce anger in Admiral Alenko's eyes.

He was frowning deeply as he opened his mouth to speak and Sonya braced herself for the rebuke until a calm female voice spoke. "It's alright Kaidan I can answer for myself."

A collective gasp went around the room and Sonya didn't need to look to know who had entered. Her eyes were focussed on Admiral Alenko and she felt her heart break at the expression that crossed his face. Any traces of anger vanished immediately and the warmth and joy in his expression at seeing Shepard was so genuine it hurt her to witness it. In that moment, as all her fantasies shattered to lie at her feet in pieces, she knew beyond a doubt that the Admiral was deeply, irrevocably in love with his wife.

Even dressed in BDUs did nothing to lessen the impact of Shepard's presence or the confident authority in her movements as she made her way to stand beside her husband as the other students snapped to attention and saluted. As she turned Sonya noticed the slight rounding of her belly and with a jolt realized that Shepard was pregnant. They didn't touch each other or give any indication of affection between them except for a brief smile but as two Alliance Admirals they had to remain professional in public. Seeing the legend in the flesh made her hands start to shake and as Shepard turned her shrewd gaze onto the younger woman Sonya wished the floor would simply open up and swallow her whole. The stories of her couldn't compare to being in her company and the fact that Shepard didn't look angry did little to assuage the sick feeling in the pit of Sonya's stomach. The Admiral's expression gave nothing away while her eyes didn't miss a single detail as the group waited with baited breath to hear what she would say.

"You're right I failed Ashley on Virmire." Shepard finally said, shocking the group. "How many of you have been groundside during a mission that has gone badly?" Only a few put their hands up and Shepard gave a small nod of acknowledgement. "Training will tell you what you're supposed to do, experience will teach you to adapt but when you're faced with a situation that has gotten out of your control you need to be able to make the tough decisions. That's what I had to do on Virmire. Every single one of us on the ground knew that the base had to be destroyed and I not only had my own crew to worry about, we also had a Salarian Spec Ops team on the ground that needed extraction. So I made the only decision that I could. Unfortunately that meant that we lost Ashley and I lost a friend." Shepard had been speaking to the entire group but suddenly sharpened her gaze on Sonya. "So if you want to judge me Lieutenant you make sure you have the facts. I know that there are many people who will not agree with the choices that I've made but I am the one who has to live with the consequences of those actions. If you truly want to become of a member of Biotics Division you had better be prepared that one day you too will be put in a position where you have to make the tough decisions. Are you ready for that responsibility?"

Sonya was speechless and humbled under the gaze of the woman who had defeated the Reapers. She had never raised her voice, never belittled her but the rebuke had been hard and unmistakable all the same.

"Dismissed." Admiral Alenko's voice was as calm and measured as usual but Sonya swore she could feel the disappointment in her at the word.

A few of the others gave her sideways looks as they filed out but none spoke a word to her, too excited about having met the legendary commander of the Normandy in person. A sense of humiliation washed over Sonya as she leant back against the wall, her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. Grabbing onto the remnants of her nerve she straightened and walked back to the training room. She wasn't sure whether she was going to apologize or confront them out of pride but her subconscious propelled her forward with the need to do _something_. With a hand on the doorframe she began to step inside the room but froze before the Admirals had noticed her presence.

The couple stood close together believing themselves alone. Admiral Alenko had his arm wrapped tightly around Shepard's waist with his free hand resting possessively on her belly as he smiled down at his wife. As tall as she was Shepard still had to tilt her head back to meet his gaze as she spoke, the fingers of one hand tangling in the hair at the back of his neck. Unlike when she'd faced the students Shepard's expression was open and the depth of her love for her husband was unmistakable. They spoke quietly as only lovers do until something he said caused her to laugh, the sound unrestrained and joyful as it echoed around the room. Wrapping both arms around her now he pulled Shepard closer, capturing her lips as the laughter faded to a smile.

Feeling her cheeks heat at witnessing such a private moment Sonya hurriedly stepped back into the hallway, shutting the door silently behind her. As her mind whirled chaotically she almost ran back to the barracks, needing some distance between the scene of her stupidity and her. She found herself shaking as she lowered herself onto her bunk, her mind taunting her with all the thoughts she'd harboured about the two Admirals and the arrogant belief that she knew better. It was a bitter pill to swallow and not something she wanted to accept willingly. She had considered herself so superior, so knowledgeable. She'd had it all planned out, had even been plotting the destruction of Admiral Alenko's marriage and yet one sentence from Shepard, one glance between husband and wife was all it had taken to bring reality crashing down on her. Her one saving grace was that neither of them knew the thoughts and feelings that Sonya had harboured in her mind, the vitriol she had saved especially for Shepard.

Curling onto her side Sonya knew she had a decision to make. Participants in the training course always had the option to withdraw and return to their previous postings. She could leave and no one would be the wiser as to the reason, she would simply be remembered as the student that had openly challenged Shepard's decision only to have the Admiral herself correct her assumptions. However no one but Sonya knew what had gone through her mind so if she chose she could continue and hope that someday she would be able to find a way to look both of the Admirals in the eye without the guilt that the memories brought. It was as if the day's events had exposed her to the cold light of day, forcing her to admit to her failings. Now was the time to decide what she wanted to do about it and to decide what kind of future she wanted for herself. Out there on the base was a couple that had found happiness together after having given everything they had to save them all from the Reapers. Alone and huddled in a small ball of misery Lieutenant Sonya Harding wept.


End file.
